I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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