Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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