I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i can't believe i had my finger in that
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
