not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
