I saw his package. It spoke to me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
