He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
