i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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