jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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