I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize