I'm lost and stupid without you.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
