she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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