You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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