Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
