"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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