Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
