he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize