Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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