hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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