I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
