I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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