I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
me + whiskey = a bad person
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
