i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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