guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
