Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
