i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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