I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
