Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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