If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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