I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
