True but thats because hes a fetus.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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