Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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