Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
