oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
