Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
