Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
