Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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