sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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