im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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