Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
