textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
