I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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