My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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