Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
