The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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