My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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