He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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