Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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