She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
did you just send me my own nude
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
