Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
