I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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