haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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