I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
