his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
