please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
