I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
