do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
