So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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