the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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