So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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