I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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