Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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