he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
