How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
