I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
