high people should be assigned attendants
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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