here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
