I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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