Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
